In the North Country there are certain portages that stand out in my mind. One in the Quetico began with a garland of branches with shafts of sunlight penetrating the gloom. It looked like an easy walk – inviting and non-descript.
But under the leaves was a crevasse of thick muck. My first steps dropped me thigh-high into mud and the 110 pound Selega Canoe drifted unsteadily on my shoulders.
No one anticipates problems to this extent. Words on a map with portages named Cannibal and Mantrap and Muck-A-Kee are mere concepts. We have no idea of their reality.
In marriage and relationships we know conceptually difficulties will arise but have little idea what the impact will be on our life together.
Here are eight ideas of what happens to us in Tight Spaces / Rough Places:
1. You do things you wouldn’t normally do to solve these problems. We cling to saplings beside the trail and like ballerinas we balance tenuously on roots to move forward – with canoes precariously pitched on weary shoulders.
In relationships we do what is necessary. Our ideas of what’s “right” can fall by the wayside. We find ourselves precariously perched on the side of some idea or response we could not have imagined. But we do this because it appears to be the only way.
2. Frustration, anger, resentment, impatience are relatively useless here. Nobody stands thigh deep in muck and screams how hard it is. Or, if they do, in the end it doesn’t matter much. How we feel is relatively unimportant in comparison to the task we must accomplish.
In marriages that are focused on getting through the tough places, they also have to deal with problems straight up. They don’t complain. It wastes valuable energy. They solve the problems at hand. It isn’t fun. It doesn’t feel good. But they devote effort to getting out of whatever swamp they find themselves in.
3. Rough places are not fair. Artificially, we can say life shouldn’t have such portages. They should all be highways with canoe rests and gentle rises only a few rods long. But adventures have challenges and what is ahead cannot always be predetermined. In nature, the concept of “what’s fair” isn’t part of the equation. It “is”.
Today you might be dealing with someone where life does not seem fair. But this is artificial. It is what it is. And no amount of your demanding life should be different is going to help you.
4. At the end of the day, you don’t want to let the sun go down finding you in the middle of a portage. Not like the one I experienced. Black flies will find you and eat you alive. Mosquitos will swarm once they discover your presence. Tent sites are usually impossible to find. The gloom is depressing.
In marriages nobody should want to settle for misery. We shouldn’t let the sun go down finding us there. One reason to work hard is to not let this happen. Couples should not let this happen.
5. The goal is always the main thing we keep in mind. Nobody portages a canoe along the highlands of the Lake Superior Trail unless there is a lake somewhere to be found. We understand portages are necessary. But nobody goes into the wilderness to portage. We seek out lakes and open vistas.
In marriages and relationships we meet hardship when it comes. We understand it is something we must get through. That it has a purpose. We must do this in order to arrive.
6. While separate – we know we are in it together. I’m not the only one who is tired and wondering when this misery will end. I know my partner is just ahead of me doing the same thing. Or not far behind. We share in misery. We share in a confidence we are both working to accomplish this goal.
Couples can also do this. We struggle sometimes feeling very alone. But if we know the other person is working just as much as we are – that can make all the difference. It’s not the only answer because couples can exhaust themselves doing the same patterned behavior. Sometimes it takes a counselor to help them to break out of it. But if couples are willing to do this together it is so much better than one person going it alone.
7. Later we can look back and the mood has lifted. Our misery that was so real has almost magically let up once we roll our canoe into the water and set our packs down. Muscles that were burning have a hard time remembering how awful it was. Laughter returns. The trail now is past tense. Open water beckons as we push out from shore and watch the portage fade into the twilight.
When friendship has been re-established, when there is good will and respect and humor, when couples feel confident problems can be solved, the past may leave emotional scars. But it doesn’t last. As the Maori tribes say, “When you look at the sun, the shadows will fall behind you”.
8. Hardship builds character. It tests our mettle. And sometimes it surprises us what we are capable of.
Couples will tell me that they would have never wished for what misery was visited on them. But, looking back, have they grown? Yes. Is their relationship stronger? Often that is true. Have they discovered capacities they never knew they had? Often. Can they see their relationship is now richer than it might have been had this not happened? Many would agree.
In the North, there is great beauty. But if you look at the maps so neatly presented as they are rolled out on the kitchen tables in Minneapolis or Duluth, they disguise the intricate miseries of the trail that represent themselves only as mere lines on the paper.
We forget Mantrap is named that for a reason.
The content above represents the views of this author. It is for information purposes only. If you are seeking help, consult with a professional who can tailor treatment to your specific need. Any resemblance to a specific person in my writing is purely coincidental. Thanks for reading. I welcome your thoughts and comments. For more information on my services go to http://www.jbragstad.com/.